Three Things || By A.E Brown

Emotions, Feelings, and People are three things that confound me. They are a constant struggle to comprehend and determine, primarily an uncomfortable phenomenon that never disappears. 

Often, I retain them within myself, constricting them as if I were a bottle. I bind the lid tight and forget for a short while, refusing to accept that they are there, pushing furiously against the plastic. 

You see, the thing about constricting them is that they build up, each emotion evolving and mixing until they are one giant tempest that can't be contained. They push to release all at once, and the lid flies off. In an uncontrollable explosion, they are there, angry and clawing at my insides, creating a sickness that turns my stomach inside out.

I can shield my ears, hide my head and cry, but it doesn't help - the neverending bombardment, overflowing from the self-created bottle, doesn't stop. It rages inside me, filling me with too many feelings and emotions. It's a hurricane tearing through my soul, leaving nothing but chaos and confusion in its wake.

It's all too much, and I want to scream because how can you stop sinking when the sea is inside you? How can you explain a self-created storm that you don't understand?

How do you live whilst destroying yourself in the process?

Question after question, pain after pain. I sit on the cold floor and weep. I beg for explanations as I take the cool metal and delicately trace it against my skin. Art?

Warmth slips down my cheeks, and the tang of salt stains my lips. I realise that I'm crying, but I don't know why. Convulsing, fingers aching to press down and - slice. Why can't I understand myself? Why is it so hard?

I can no longer breathe; the sea is swallowing me from the inside out - it burns. Numbness takes over, and I - slice - again and again until the pressure inside me subsides. Until I can choke down a breath and fill my lungs. I go until the pain disappears, and I can - restrain everything, ready for the cycle to reprise.